"Love, whether newly born, or aroused from a deadlike slumber, must always create sunshine, filling the heart so full of radiance, that it overflows upon the outward world."

Monday, August 16, 2010


    In the last year and  a half Mike and I have been trying to conceive. For the last year we have seeked fertility help with no luck. Having a child of my own has always been a dream, but since I have been married to Mike and a part of Raegan's life that dream has escalated tremendously. At some points I have felt like the wish to have a baby has consumed our conversation, my thoughts, and our actions... even Raegan talks about us having babies soon. None of this is healthy and the emotional roller coaster was really starting to bother me, so a month ago we decided to take some time off.. not necessarily quit trying, but quit fertility treatments. I said that it was my decision, I need time and space from the situation. I have prayed for a baby for so long, putting it in God's hands, I would say... but not completely seeking God for the guidance, just telling him I was. Now that we have "given up" I have felt a little down about the whole mess and a disconnect from God, like he chose this pain for me. My head says it is his will, but my heart cant get on board. Until driving home today I heard a new song about God's choice to say no to a prayer. I feel like it has possibly changed my outlook on all of this and somehow showed me what I already knew about my Lord. The song is Waiting Room by Jonny Diaz. I wish everyday God could speak to me this loud.. It was like He knew I need to hear his message and I just wasn't listening.

Waiting Room -Jonny Diaz

Here in this waiting room yearning for You to say go
And though I’m convinced that a yes would be best
This time You’re telling me no

It’s not that I don’t have an answer
It’s just not the one that I’d like
But through this time Lord I must keep in mind
You’re always wiser than I

You have a much better purpose
And You have a far greater plan
And You have a bigger perspective
Cause You hold this world in your hands

The things that I seek are from You
Like the strong healing touch of your hand
But when You say no help me trust even though
There’s a reason I can’t understand

When that miracle comes cause Your answer is yes
I will praise you for all of my days
But when Your wisdom declares that a no is best
I will praise You just the same

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